Seven Things Dipper Puked Up Like A Demon Kitty Produced
From the Ether:
1. Red Hair
“Yeah, that will be two thousand dollars.”
Stan pulled away the phone from his ear as the voice on the
other end squawked loudly in protest. He let the rube go on for a minute then
barked in the phone, “Shut up and let me get a word in! Sheesh.”
A dark mutter on the other side, and Stan shook his head
pityingly.
“I know it’s expensive, but can you think of anyone else on
the market that’s selling not only a bezoar, but a bezoar from a genuine demon?
Think of the possibilities!”
A pause.
“Well, yes, it may be no different than a regular bezoar,”
Stan admitted, rolling his eyes. “But even if it’s not… well. A smart man like
you, I’m sure can think of ways to perhaps upsell this.”
More muttering and Stan grinned. Got him.
Belying the look on his face, Stan’s voice turned sorrowful.
“Okay, okay, I see that you don’t believe the testimonials my other customers
have given you, my own quality assurances. For you, I’ll do fifteen hundred.”
Another squawk and Stan scowled. It was a good thing Dipper
kept being weird and puking the damn things up.
“Okay, fine, twelve hundred but I go no lower… you’ll take
it? Good! I’ll be up tomorrow in Bend and we can finish the deal there.”
A few more niceties and Stan hung up the phone over a
thousand dollars richer.
He looked up.
Mabel was standing in the doorway, tapping her foot and
folding her arms.
“Sweetie I can explain-“
Mabel suddenly smiled. This did not assuage Stan’s fears by
any means at all. In fact, he felt his heart stutter.
Mabel walked over and suddenly gave him a big hug.
“Oh Grunkle Stan you big softie!”
“Um, what?”
“Providing for the kids’ college funds like that! I mean I
know they’re babies right now but it’s so important to start young-“
Stan choked.
“What? Kid I love you but you’ve got to be ki-“
He looked into Mabel’s eyes.
Sighed.
She kissed his cheek.
“If you want to sell Dipper’s weird demon puke without me
knowing, you really should consider the internet.”
2. Rhinestones
Dipper coughed, and a shower of rhinestones landed on Mabel’s
sweater, perfectly bedazzling it.
His sister was not as impressed or happy as he hoped.
“Dipper!”
“What? You bedazzled your face once!”
His twin threw aside the math homework she had been working
on and stomped her foot in protest.
“That’s not what I’m upset about!”
Dipper frowned. He was only being a sensitive and thoughtful
brother who wanted to do something nice for his sister.
Mabel pinched her nose, a gesture she had picked up since
they had moved in with Grunkle Stan.
“I’ve been looking for these for a week now. I was going to
use them for Mom’s birthday present?” At Dipper’s blank look, she sighed and
said, “You know, I told you! I’m going to do their wedding picture but five
feet tall and with sparkles and sequins and-“
She pointed her finger at him.
“Rhinestones.”
“Just get some more then.”
She looked at him witheringly. “Stan had to drive me all the
way to Bend to get those Dipper. It cost me a few hours working at the Shack.”
He didn’t get the problem. “Just make a deal with me then! I
can blip you there no problem, no, wait… These rhinestones, on your desk, only
a few drops of blood or that Snickers you got in your desk-“
“You’re still missing the point!”
“What’s the point?”
“Don’t mess with my
stuff-“
“I can replace it though!”
“That’s not…I…” Mabel let out a long scream of frustration
that grated on his sensitive ears.
“I think you need to calm down Mabel.”
That turned out to be the wrong thing to say.
(Stan eventually had to come upstairs to break up their
fight, which was kind of hard when he couldn’t see or hear one of them, but he
did it anyway.)
3. Teeth (bovine)
“Can I use these to make a necklace?”
Dipper looked from the deer teeth, which still, god damnit still brought up bad memories, to his
grand-nephew.
“Um, sure?” He paused. “Didn’t really think you were one for
jewelry Nito.”
Nito calmly scooped the still wet and covered in goo teeth
into a plastic shopping bag he had gotten from the bag bag on the wall.
“Oh I’m not, but I got an assignment due in Sculpture class
next week, and I can make something really pretentious and over the top with
these.”
Dipper grinned. It did his heart good to see Nito conning
his way through art school.
4. The TV Remote
Despite the massive amount of books and reading that went on
in the Shack, the arts and crafts, the home repair, there was still seven
people and only one TV in the house.
Frequently, there were conflicts.
“Uncle Dipper! Mom said it was my turn for the TV!”
Dipper laid a gloved hand on his chest, and contrived to
look mortally wounded.
“Pole Star, who is the adult here?”
“You-“
He grinned, exposing both rows of fangs.
“Good. And as such, I get dibs on the TV.”
Acacia folded her arms and frowned at him
“Nuh-uh. Mom said-“ She screwed her face up remembering for
a second and went on. “If you’re going to act thirteen like the kids then you
get treated like you’re thirteen.”
Damn. He hoped that she had forgotten that.
Acacia held out a hand for the clicker. “Gimme.”
In response, Dipper opened his mouth wider than should be
humanly possible and threw the clicker up in the air. A long snakelike tongue
shot out, wrapped around it, and pulled it down into his stomach. He clicked
his mouth closed and looked at Acacia pleased as punch.
In response Acacia looked at him calculatingly for a second,
then punched his stomach.
“Ac̷a͞c͝ia ̸what̷-“
He looked at the TV. The channel had changed.
Oh no–
She punched his stomach again and the channel changed once
more.
“Polaris!”
Another punch and it landed on the channel that Acacia
wanted. She patted his stomach with a smug grin, then snuggled up to him on the
couch, satisfied with her victory.
(A few hours later Henry noticed that the clicker was oddly
sticky. He decided he was happier not knowing.)
5. An empty carton of
ice cream
Henry shook his head at Dipper.
“Seriously?”
“What?”
Henry rolled his eyes as he tossed the carton in the trash.
“Next time don’t blame the kids.”
6. The Mirror of Samkarahra
“Guys, guys!”
Hank and Acacia looked up as Willow burst into the room,
wheezing from running up the stairs.
“You need your inhaler Will?” Acacia asked.
Willow scowled.
“No, I’m fine Cacia,” Willow grit
out with as much scorn as a seven year old could muster.
Hank saw Acacia open her mouth to respond and before his
sisters could start fighting blurted out “Whacha got Willow?”“
Willow brightened and the atmosphere became immediately less
fraught.
“Uncle Dipper’s sleeping on the couch and then he
coughed and look what came out!”
She brandished an old looking hand mirror, the glass a deep
blue-black and the backing and handle a tarnished gold. There were weird
designs carved into both the back and on the handle, but the triplets didn’t
notice. As one they chorused “Deep Aqua Mirror!”
A month or two ago, when all three of them were sick with
the flu, Mommy had bundled all of them up into her and Daddy’s bed and together
the four of them had watched through two seasons of one of Mommy’s favorite
cartoons, Sailor Moon. Since then they had seen every episode, from both
versions of the show- Hank and Willow preferred Crystal while Acacia liked the
original better.
Sailor Moon was their new favorite game to play and they
spent hours running around being the scouts and saving the day. Hank, his
sisters had imperiously decided, was obviously Sailor Moon, something he had no
problem with. Acacia was usually Sailor Jupiter and Willow Sailor Neptune which
brought them back to-
“We probably shouldn’t play with it,” Hank muttered and the
three of them were quiet for a minute. They were well aware of who and what
Uncle Dipper was. Just as they knew in their bones that Uncle Dipper loved them
more than life itself, they also knew that Uncle Dipper could be dangerous and
they had to be careful around him. And the neat stuff he bought into the house
with him.
However wiser, warier, and worldlier the triplets were over
people their age they were still only seven.
“I think it’ll be fine!” Acacia said and they started to
play.
A few minutes later, as Willow raised the mirror to attack,
Hank noticed something.
“That’s not my face in the Aqua Mirror,” he said quietly. He
looked at Acacia. “I though you said it’d be okay?”
Acacia turned to Willow who shrugged, still holding the
mirror.
“It doesn’t have colors so it’s not like that sword Grunkle
Stan brought home with a person inside.”
Hank had continued to study the face in the mirror.
“Guys, I think it’s me. As a grown up.”
Immediately all three of them clamored around the mirror.
Indeed, there was a grown up version of Hank, eating ice cream with a shorter
woman who was wearing the most awesome cherries and skulls dress ever. Behind
them a pretty lady with a blue Mohawk was scowling.
Willow shoved Hank a bit so she could get a better view and
suddenly-
“It’s me!” As they watched a grown up Willow was busy
putting books on the shelf at the Library downstairs.
Acacia practically pushed her siblings out of the way to get
a turn and screamed gleefully as her older self appeared, covered in paint and
chewing on the end of a paintbrush.
Willow put the mirror down and the three of them looked at
each other in awe. They had a new game to play.
They took turns passing the mirror to each other, looking on
in awe as their older selves played with their own kids, drove, ate ice cream in
the morning, and so on.
But then things got darker. Willow, wreathed in flames,
screaming in rage. Hank, limping, a cane in his hand and an attacker behind
him. Acacia, a mad, terrible grin on her face, covered in blood and missing an
eye.
It was scary and Hank was beginning to cry and Willow’s
hands were shaking, and yet they couldn’t stop passing the mirror around,
completely trapped.
As Acacia passed the mirror again, she saw blood on her hand
and that’s when she screamed. Uncle Dipper suddenly burst into reality in their
room. He quickly plucked the mirror from Acacia, chucking it in his top hat
before grabbing all three of them and frantically looking them over. He licked
Acacia’s hand until the cuts that had come from the mirror disappeared, and
touched his forehead to Willow’s, doing something that the other two couldn’t
see but knew it had to do with colors. In a few minutes they would be in
trouble, they knew, but for now everything was right in their world again.
(He really needed to start putting artifacts in his hat
instead of his stomach.)
7. Small Plastic
Dinosaurs
He hadn’t thought much about Mabel offering him two gallons
of Mabel Juice in exchange for a few hours of physicality, only chugged the
juice in one go, and then burping loud enough to shake the Shack to its
rafters.
Now however, looking at the plastic dinosaurs in his hand he
had spent the past hour coughing up, he wondered how exactly Mabel survived
drinking her own concoction daily.
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