Willow(to her children): If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands!
*A thunderstorm of applause raises from outside*
Willow and the Plieds look out the window to see Henry in the garden. There is a thunking noise as he slams his head against the cherry tree. There is a second round of applause.
It was unfair of her, when she was little, to think of Dad as the ‘mean one.’ But after her latest hilarious escapade or well deserved dishing out of revenge blew up in her face when she was a kid, it was pretty easy to sweet talk Grunkle Stan or Uncle Dipper to either forget about it or let her off easy. Even Mom, Acacia could charm a good laugh out of or get a pointer.
Dad on the other hand? He didn’t shout, and he certainly never, ever hit, let alone spanked her.
He would just be quietly disappointed, which was infinitely worse.
Also, he never took time off her punishment whenever she was grounded, which was hella lame.
Hank
It wasn’t that he didn’t love his sisters, because well… he did.
Obviously.
It was just between Acacia’s wild and crazy pranks and singing and climbing on the roof but not the part they were allowed on, and Willow’s asthma and… and other stuff, well.
It didn’t seem like there was much time left over for him.
But then he’d be at breakfast, and suddenly a big floppy hat would get plopped on his head, and he’d look up to see Dad wearing the same hat-
Some of his most treasured memories of childhood were of the two of them, out on the lake fishing.
Just him and Dad.
Willow
Mom, Dad, Uncle Dipper.
Acacia, Hank, Willow.
That’s how they all usually got paired. And to be fair, it made sense. But family didn’t work in such strict binaries, not really.
The bier blazed in front of them, and Willow remembered crosswords done side by side in the mornings, cups of coffee next to them as in the background children screamed at each other.
Learning how to fix cars, starting with Dad’s truck and moving on to Stan’s old clunker, watching documentaries at 2am since her and Dad were the only ones who were interested in them, making pies and breakfasts together for everyone.
The blessed quiet, that sometimes only Dad understood the need for, that he now was resting in.
i just opened a document i wrote at 3am last night. at the time i thought it was an unparalleled work of genius. turns out, it’s just this:
what do you mean it isnt
someone draw this with the TAU triplets but Willow’s flying the plane.
Willow: I can totally fly a plane I’m psychic Hank: that’s not how that works Acacia: I think this is perfectly logical, do a barrel roll Passengers: *screaming*
Acacia: Less a cooking catastrophe, and more “the day babbyWi Acacia found out vanilla does not taste like it smells by chugging the entire tiny bottle in one go.”
Hank: The first time he tried to make a pitcher of Kool-Aid; he followed the directions on the pack…. but poured two cups of sugar into an individual cup as opposed to a gallon pitcher. #bless
Willow: Is currently on her eighth waffle maker, refuses to switch to pancakes.
theitalianscribe: When was the first time Henry called Stan Grunkle?
Henry doesn’t really call Stan “Grunkle.” Henry in many ways is very formal and reserved, and that term doesn’t come to his mouth easily, except telling the kids something WRT Stan.
But here’s the thing.
At some point four or five months into courting Mabel, “Mr. Pines” slowly morphs into just “Stan.” Soon it’s “Stan, do you want a beer from the fridge?” or “Stan, let me get those books for you,” instead of the awkward and vaguely scared silences that Stan had gotten used to.
Did Hank ever date any supernatural beings?
One of his boyfriends in high school was Tommy Tarantella, who as a were-swan and the football team’s quarterback held the school record for most turnovers allowed in a season and most bones broken on the field. (People with bird bones should probably not play contact sports.)
Willow: Watch repair and clock making. It helps her turn her brain off for a few hours, especially since her empathy continues to grow stronger after she has her daughter.
Hank: Playing pinball at the local hipster arcade. It gets to a point that for his 45th birthday the Crew surprises him with an old generic pinball machine that a friend of a friend of Kiyo’s found.
Acacia: Drag race nights at the local race track. IE, “enter your own car” race nights. Her little sedan isn’t souped up or anything, but she loves being able to drive as batshit as she wants. Occasionally she wins a race through sheer verve, nerve, lack of fear, and slight cheating.
I don’t think the police would run away, so much as give an exasperated sigh, and ask Willow if she has a permit for that indoor fire breathing act she’s doing.
(most of the Portland Police Department lost their ‘give a fuck’ after Vivienne’s batchlorette party two years prior)
Not at all. Mabel is the type of mom who gave all three of them the birds and bees talk at age five, let the girls know at ten there were pads under the sink, and on one memorable occasion in 8th grade, demonstrated how to put a condom on a banana.
Hoo boy, Dipper thought, looking down at three pairs of bright, eager eyes. If the triplets were breaking out the puppy eyes this early in the conversation, then this probably wasn’t going to go well.
For everyone else. He could already smell the chaos potential radiating off his stars.
And hey, he was an uncle. Being partially irresponsible was totally part of the job.
“What are you planning?” Dipper asked, floating down so he was on a level with his stars, his niblings, the most precious people in his life, who he was supposed to be babysitting.
“Nuthin’,” Acacia said, and Dipper snorted.
“Your lies demean us all. C’mon kiddos, whats on your minds?”
“Well, we’ve seen you turn into a star, right?” Hank said, almost dancing in place. “And human. Does that mean you can turn into anything else? Or are you stuck with those?”
Dipper sniffed, a hand to his chest in (mostly) mock affront. “Excuse you, I’ll have you know I can change into anything I want. I just need proper motivation. I know you’ve seen me once or twice, so why do you ask?”
“I’ve got a bag of peanut butter cups that says we can think of something you can’t turn into,” Acacia claimed.
Dipper narrowed his eyes at his eldest niece. “I’ve seen your dreams, Pole Star. I’m not turning into those monstrosities.”
Acacia stuck her tongue out at him, a gesture he returned, and she giggled at his immature gesture, made strange by his split tongue.
“What about if we gave you the bag if you’ll prove you can turn into any real creature we can think of?” Willow offered, and part of Dipper protested that it wasn’t enough, not for all the output staying physical and changing his shape would take.
“Is it not enough?” Hank asked. The kids went into a brief huddle before Dipper could say anything. “Double or nothing, final offer Uncle Dipper!”
“You kids drive a hard bargain,” Dipper teased. “Two bags of peanut butter cups, with an extra piece each I get tired.”
Had this really bizarre idea of there being a whole bunch of “Alcor’s precious people as Disney characters” movies and to Dipper’s surprise, many of them end up being accurate to the way he actually views the people involved. Like Mizar is his sisterly protectorate who ends up with The Woodsman and Gliese is his niece/godchild. There’s even one at one point where a character based on Toby follows a similar path to Toby himself: viewed as a threat at first by Alcor, then tentatively placed under Alcor’s care after he realizes how helpless the kid is, then “touch this kid and you die!” and finally performs a Heroic Sacrifice (that in the movie, doesn’t stick) to save Mizar, the closest thing the character has to a sister.
Dipper isn’t sure whether he should freak out or break into tears of joy that they finally got it right.
Might get around to writing these at some point but anyone else who likes this concept feel free to come up with your own ideas. Would love to see what others come up with.
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