Reflection

Fic Prompt: Toby gains flashbacks of his past life as Bill, unlocking some of his old powers, then is so overwhelmed to the point he has a mental breakdown of sorts, going crazy and attacking Alcor. (Apologizes ahead of time for the length and all the Zalgo text)

It all started with his eye hurting.

Toby yawned tiredly, rubbing at his eye that quite rudely woke him from his sleep. It was a dull sort of throb, really, nothing excruciating, but it was enough to disturb the twelve-year-old from his dreams. And such nice dreams too. What were they about? Already Toby couldn’t recall, scooting out of bed and heading for the bathroom to find something that could help ease the thrumming. All he knew was that he was happy in them; he could vaguely remember warmth and loved ones surrounding him.

Mumbling incoherent words to himself, Toby flicked on the bathroom light.

And froze.

His unmarred eye, the one that awoke him, was glowing faintly in the mirror’s reflection. Not red from agitation or sickness but golden like a dying sun. His pupil, a thin slit, starred back at him as dark and cold as the Void.

Toby approached his reflection with a mixture of apprehension and curiosity. He was more than confident it didn’t look like this before he went to bed. There was the likely possibility he was still asleep and dreaming; even now he felt a little too lightheaded to argue himself fully awake. Or was he perhaps allergic to something in the air? That was equally as likely given everything about his luck. As he examined it, his eye throbbed once again, and the lighting in the room seemed to darken. Confused, Toby turned his attention to the light bulb above him. It didn’t seem to be going out. But the room just got darker and…

I’ll just make it brighter then.

Toby didn’t really consider his words, just thought about how trivial a problem this all was. It took a couple more seconds to comprehend what he’d thought. How was he going to make it brighter exactly?

Fire.

And from his fingertip erupted a small ball of blue flame. Alcor’s flame. His flame. It cast a sinister light throughout the tiny room. “Aaaah!” Toby yelped, shaking his hand rapidly to get it to go away. No, wait, that was a bad idea because now the drying towel was on fire. He had to put it out before the whole room caught!

He reached for the sink, twisting the handle, and purple ooze gushed out like an unrelenting waterfall. Yelling in shock, he tripped over his own feet, landing on his butt as the flames spread to the shower curtain. Two voices rang out—both his own to be precise—one aloud, the other in his head.

“No!”

YES!

He trembled where he sat as the walls began to seep something blackish and foul, and distant screams and moans could be heard over his own pitiful whimpering. More chaos ensued as the lights began to flicker, the purple ooze overflowed out of the sink’s basin and now bathtub, and various bathroom items and toothbrushes started levitating on their own.

Horrible, terrifying, wonderful chaos.

Images flashed rapidly through his head, so fast that he could only catch snippets of them. Images of people in terror.

In pain.

Of blood.

Of death.

Of demons.

Of monsters.

Full of darkness.

Full of destruction.

A world on fire.

A town up in smoke.

A boy with a journal.

…A stupid, insignificant little boy with a journal…

Toby climbed with shaking legs to his feet, desperate (Am I?) to escape the room. He ran blindly toward the door, which swung shut instantly and locked itself without his doing (Was it?). Toby banged on the door as hard as he could, but with him as the only occupant in the entire apartment room there was no one to hear him (Good.).

He turned around to stare at the madness, the destruction in the bathroom. His crying did little to help; if anything it shattered the mirror, and Toby could see the cracked edges in it forming a particular three-sided shape over his face.

*

Something was wrong.

Dipper hesitated in his petting of Groknar, having taken a brief respite in the Mindscape to tend to the Flock. The multicolored pasture was peaceful this evening as impossible wind blew across the grass. He stood, a slight frown on his face, earning the attention of several more Nightmares.

Something was seriously wrong. It was as if something poisonous had entered his domain, something disgusting and vile and terrible. And for the first time an emotion formed in the demon he hadn’t felt in centuries: fear.

It took a second to realize what was wrong. “Toby?” The connection he had with the child, the cherished bond he repeatedly and openly refused he shared with the boy, was different somehow. He could still feel the connection, but it no longer seemed to be linked with just Toby. Or rather it wasn’t Toby himself on the other end. With a farewell and promise to his Flock he’d return soon, Dipper blipped back to the apartment.

The instant he appeared in the bathroom chains shot forth from the ground. Blood-red bindings wrapped themselves around his legs, arms, chest, neck, holding him in place in midair as he took in the figure crouched on the floor in front of him, seemingly oblivious to the madness around.

“Ah ah ah,” the boy tsked, not glancing up from the binding circle he was finishing, “You came too early. I wasn’t done yet.” Cold hatred and unmasked horror bled into Alcor’s voice.

“B̦͙͉̬̲i̘͍̘̱̭̭͍̅̒̋̄l̰̺̘͓͒ͣl̙̫ͤ͋̋̍ͩ!̠̥̹͍̦̭?̠̙̯͈̾” The boy looked up at Alcor. Dipper tried hard not to swallow the lump in his throat, to keep his gold-on-black eyes trained to the one of black-on-gold.

“Yep,” he grinned (and never before had a smile looked so utterly wrong on Toby’s face, Alcor realized), “Or maybe no. I don’t really know myself. Reincarnation is funny that way. You kinda lose yourself after a while.” These words should not be coming from this child. As Toby rambled, Alcor inconspicuously tested his restraints, calculating if he could break free of them if the need arose. Satisfied with how weak the incomplete chains were, he refocused his attention on the being before him. What was Bill’s game this time?

“Like how I’ve designed the place? It took a while but I think it’s starting to grow on me.” His smile only grew at the glower directed at him. “Thanks! That’s compliment enough for me.”

“Wͭĥ̪̖̫̳̻̜̼̽̾ẙ̙̘̱͈͖̦̭̎ ̩͈̦̟ͦ̇ͤ͒̂ͅạ̞͕̙̪̫̟̉̍ͪ̀ͯ͌r̙͇̲͔̰̳ͧ͂e̺͖͊̅̐̚ ̳͇͎̮ͫ̔ͨͦͯy̻̟̆o̦͉̣ͤủ͖͚̘̺̆̒͐ ̲̮̦͕͎̱̝͋̄d̠̫̖̦̮̜ói̥̤̙͕͖̤̍̌̈̈ͥ̿n̹͙̬͚̘͓͉̾ͯ̚gͫ̐̓ t̫̥̹̯̣͖͚ͬh̠͕̩͖̹̉ͮ̔ͦ̔ĭs͉̝̩͙͕͌̿ͯͪ?̺̳͇̥͖̣” Alcor growled, “W͈͑h̗̳̯̟̠̱ͯ͊a̹t͈̘̆̐ͧ…͔̞̖̙̭̊ͅw̯̹̹̹̾̓̅̂̏͊͊h̙̤ǎ̝͙̔̎̆t͖̲͚̥̅̄̈̿̍̇ͩ ̭̖̱͈͔͛̔̇ͅm̪̺͕͕̞ͪ̍ͨͣ̎̚e̮̺̪͕̭mͥ̒o̦͖̗̯͐̍r̞̭̮̊̍̆́ͫ̓ï̈̏ͨͭ̄e̮̘̬ͅs̳̻ ̙͖̂ͣ͑̈́h̿ͣͧ̽a̟̜͎̍͑̽̋̀v̭͇͖̩̮̥͑̄̑ͦ̊ͣ̑e͎̜̲̫̟ͅ ̋̾ͦ͗͌ͯy̰͓͖̟̣̱̏͛̓̿̚ͅoͦͨü͕͔̲̘̆͆̄͑̇ ͉̼̦̉̾r̝̳̲͔̰͓̾̃̀̅̎ë̱̽ͬ͋ͩͯͤͅg̲̗̤͐̋͗̋ͦ̓ḁ̩̪̫̆͐i̍̈͆̓̇n̟̼͔̠̳̒͋͗̄̃ͅe̹͐̉̋ͤd̟̆,̠͉̍ ͈̥̬͓͈̫̯͆̊͑T̰̼̣͎o̩͇͇̮͈ͮ̋͒͋͛̒̀b̠̮̹͕̜͖̓y̤͖̤ͦ͑?̦͉͕͉̝̝ͮ͑͐̊͂̒” Toby froze,

and Dipper sensed something was amiss.

 “I don’t know,” was the small, quiet reply, smile fading off his face. “I don’t know. T-too many? Not enough?” He looked back at the melting walls and flooded floor. “…Yes, not nearly enough. What am I doing wrecking havoc in a tiny room like this? My aims were—no, are much bigger.” He made to run past the demon. But Alcor wrenched free from his chains, the ones tying his arms down snapping to pieces. He reached for Toby seconds before he could escape through the door and dragged him into the summoning circle.

Using more energy than he’d anticipated, not helped by Toby resisting him with his own reawakened powers, Dipper blipped them to a woods far away from human civilization. He let Toby break free from his grasp. “Too scared to take us to where it all began?”

“T͍̀̐̓o͙͈̩̟͑ͪ́̓̔̂o̭̙̹̻̺ͯ ̳͎̺̥̳̯͓̂̆̾w̪̙̏ȏ̥͓̳͔̯̜͛ͨ̌ͧ͆̏r̫̼̜̰̤̃̈͋ͅr̞͕̰͖̘̲ͮ̒̐ỉ͚͓̞̱̙̌̽̑̑ͤ̈e̩̊ͪd̆̃ͭ̑ ̯̗ͤ͛n͕̬̻̤̯ͬ͐̃͌̊ẽ͎͓̊͛̌̔̅͊i͉̙ͥͬ̍ͪgͪͥ́̆̅̃h͔̗͉̎̉ͯͣb̞̥͓ͣͯ̾̎ọ̋̈́͌ͧ̋r͕͖̠͖̻̃̌̽́̈́̚s̗͍͚̋̋̄̂͛̅ͥ ̹̝̱̞̪͖̘w̼̰̙̤̝̳̄̿o̬͇ǘ̜l͆ͧ͌͆ͤ͗d͚̟̞̱͎̝̒ͭͧͥ̇̉̅ ̦̙̲͇g̤̰̣̼ͥ̆͊e̞͎̰̗͖ͅt̬̓ ̝͓̫̼͖̰̣̓̓̂̎ͮͫ̿ń̹̲͍̥͕̝ͮ̓o̅s̰͔̱ͤ̄̎ͧ̅ͤy̬̹̺ͭ͌ ̩̱͓̝̟̭̺̈̑ͭw̲̺̖̠̬͇̹i̹͌t̫̝̦̰͙ȟ͖̪̓̉̒̉̚ ͈̬ͥ͗̏a͕̗̬͈̓̎̌l̮̱ͬ͌̓͆̍͒ͭl̋̂͗ ̗̥̄ͭ̑ͩẗ́́̋̏̈̍̇h͔̟̬̬̟̱͙é͎̯̩̰͎͐͌ͅ ͚͎̲r͌̆̚ḁ̞̱̮̗̈́̇̾ͪ͂̏̐c͈ͦ͊ͥ̒͊ḵ̘͚̲̦͔͉ͧͪ̆e̫t͕̯̰̗͔̪̺̒ ̖̜ͩ͛͛̓ͬ̚ẏ͛̀o̦ͩ͛̿ǘ̝̤̤͉͋ͪ͋̏̚ ̖̤̘̪ͯ͂ͅͅͅw̱ͮ̉̏̀̚e̲͙̦̹͖̥r̗̟̩̺̥̈́͊ë͎͍́ͨ̈ͩ ̫̙͉͎͉̫̭̈ͥm͙͎̍̌̈́͑a͖̾̒͂̽ͧ̂k̟̥̞͇̤̗i̖̼̭͙̲ͭ̆ͧͯ̚n̘̤g̲̺̳̣̀,̣̲̘̠͈ͧͫ͑̒̃̈̾” the demon retorted, dusting

himself off, “Ha̼͖͇̻r̟̦̤͖d̞̦̭͔̼̪ ṱ̪̫̱͇̝͙ọ̘͔ ̠̳̦̳̤͎k̼̳͔̪͎̮͖e̦̦̠̲̟̟̱e͕͓̠̩p̙̤ ̝̩̭̻̺a̫̠ ͈̲h̖͍̮̺͉u̝̤̖͚̫̤m̪̹͓̟͚͔̟a͓͕͚̬͙̻͈n ̩̠̬̻̮ͅc̮̩o̹v͍e̺͔͉̤̙͚r̭̱̘̯̬ i̼̼̜̙f͙͔̲̩̞̥ ̻̲̱t͈͖̖̩hḙ̰͕̯̯̩͕y̜̩͉ ̩̟̲fo͕u͖̪̝̬͉ͅn̻̙͕͇͚̝̞d̤̜̮̥̭ ͈̜͖͚me ͔̟ͅlị̩̖͔̱̪̟k̭ḛ ̪͎ṭ͎ͅh͍̠̼̬̦̰ͅa̳̰̟̬͙̯t.̗̪̬͖͕”

“So you claim. You are aware the bathroom is still on fire?” Alcor snapped his fingers.

“N̟ͅo̪̞ͩ̋̃͆̏̓̿t͇͓̹̱͔̽ͯ̓͋ ̹̇ͤ̚ȁ̠̝n̫͙̦̤̩ͅy̻͖͈m̞̺̘̦̄o̭̣̖̐ͨ̃ͤ̌ṟ̘̻͉̆ͩͧ͂e̗̖.͈̫̦̿͊͑”

Toby glared at his guardian. “You’ve grown stronger, Pine Tree. But I’m not—”

“What are you planning to do, Toby?” Alcor interrupted him, reverb in his voice dying somewhat, “What is it that you want?” Again Toby paused before answering, and Dipper came to understand one thing: that wasn’t Bill in front of him. His essence likely, corrupting Toby’s mind, granting him this split personality, maybe even trying to gain full control over the boy. But this was not Bill himself.

“Chaos,” Toby answered with hints of uncertainty, “To wreck chaos across this world. To see people—”

“Is that really what you want to see, Toby? A world that scares you?” Alcor took one step toward him. Toby took a step back. “We both know how you start crying after watching old videos of babies slapping each other. How you apologize like a madman for knocking over a glass of water. How you freak out at the sight of fire that’s not blue. How on earth could you manage chaos?”

“Shut up!” Toby screamed, and Alcor bristled. The human half of him shivered that Toby would ever raise his voice at anyone with such hatred, the demon half ready to tear him to shreds for such audaciousness. “Why do you care what I do? You only ever see me as a burd—”

Alcor took another step closer, one which Toby did not match with a retreat. “That’s not true.” Another step. “I do care.” Another. “I’ve always cared about you, Toby.” Another and he was standing in front of the boy. “Because I…” Why were the words now dying on his tongue, at such a crucial moment? “I-uh…”

Toby recovered. “Don’t you dare say you love me. Ha! Love from you? Hahahahaha! That’s a riot, Pine Tree! How could you ever love me? You were right before—I’m Bill. Bill Cipher.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Yes I am! And I can still destroy this plane of existence. Destroy every miserable being on this planet if I so desire. Be the—”

“You don’t have to follow through on Bill’s plans, Toby!”

“Yes, I don’t!” Silence. Toby, wide-eyed, chocked on nothing, the words of what he shouted sinking in. “I-I do, I mean. I do. I…” He fell to his knees, staring at Alcor’s shoes. “I have to…I’m Bill…I have to…” He slowly looked up at Alcor. “Right?” Suddenly, he clutched his head in pain and curled in on himself, screaming. Dipper recognized this position as one he took when he suffered massive info dumps. More memories of his past life (Lives? Could he recount his time as Ian?) had to be overwhelming the child’s mind.

Alcor took two steps forward before Toby was, without warning, on his feet, blue fire engulfing his hands. He aimed and set the forest alight, watching with tear-filled eyes as the smoke engulfed the area. Wild animals and supernatural creatures fled in terror, shrieking in alarm and fright. Alcor watched with growing concern. Seemingly unsatisfied with the destruction Toby hastily grabbed a sharp rock and stabbed it into his arm. He dragged it down, opening a long, trailing, bleeding cut. “This isn’t hilarious,” he practically whimpered, “Why isn’t this hilarious!?”

Alcor made to hug him, ready to comfort the boy who so desperately needed it. A second too late he realized Toby’s glare was aimed at him, and he was blasted away with more flames.

Though not burned, Alcor landed on his back, and Toby blipped on top of him. His golden eye was staring down at him full of contempt. “You did this to me,” he whispered. His eye flickered to normal for a split second. “You…saved…you did this to me!” Tears spilled out as he leaned closer. “I should…help you.” He looked away from the stiffened demon, held not in place by demonic energy but his own bewilderment. “Help…kill…help me…kill you…” Words were just tumbling out of his mouth. His attention was no longer on Alcor. “Save you. Ruined me. Loved me. Hate you. Help me. Kill you. Helpmehelpmehelpyoukillyoukillyouhelpyou—

“KILL ME!” His hand moved forward, aiming for the throat. But from his position, all Alcor could see was a demon reaching for his body to possess him.

Demonic instincts fueled by suppressed memories spurred Alcor to grab at the boy. His pupils narrowed into slits as he hissed an unearthly noise. Bill would N̓ͣͫ҉͚͔̯̞̲͘Ę̵̠̗̞͌͊̂̃̇͌V̴̘̬̋͛͑͠Ȩ̼̰̯̜͉̍ͤR̖̭̼͇̪͍͍̳͈̄͢ have his body again! He grabbed his wrist, twisting the startled human off his chest. Slamming him hard onto his back. Pinning him down. How dare—H̢́͏̕O̵̢̡͞Ẁ̧́͠͝ ́͘͠͏̧D̸̸͝͞A҉̡́́R̨̀̀E҉̀͏͠!̴̧͞—Bill try to possess him again! He moved faster than Bill could react, reaching his own hand forward at Bill, terrifying him as his clawed hand pierced through his chest. Grinning at Bill as the demon squirmed under his grip. Cackling with glee as he withdrew his fist, clutching tightly to Bill’s…

He slowly came to his senses and stared with widening eyes at the ethereal orb in his hand. At the child on the ground. At the forest on fire. All this because a soul remembered. A soul shared between beings. A soul that both delivered and suffered through extreme tragedy. A soul that bore multiple identities and yet was only ever regarded by one.

Dipper blinked again, now studying the boy on the ground. Young. Frail. Bleeding. Lifeless. Could he truly take an innocent’s life because of something he couldn’t control, because of something wrought by a life before? It was so easy to say ‘yes’, so very easy just to say—

“I can’t.” Dipper guided the soul back to its body, pressing it gently through its chest. Then he scooped up the boy in an embrace so fierce and protective his wings practically cocooned them both. He wept. Rare human tears trickled down his face, landing on Toby’s own. He held him closer as he let the heartache course through him.

Toby didn’t deserve this. Toby never deserved this. But Toby would never escape this. All past deeds must be repaid, even if the lives are no longer the same. Dipper could protect him, shelter him, watch over him the best he could, but that would never deter the boy’s fate. So all he could do was be there for him to soften the blows.

“I do love you, Toby,” he whispered, all reverb and echo gone from his voice, “I love you more than you’ll ever know.” With half-closed eyes to keep the tears back, Dipper looked at Toby, unconscious and oblivious to everything around him. Gently, he kissed his forehead.

Toby awoke with a start. He scrambled to sit up, pressing his hand to his head. He wasn’t sure why but he was half expecting something to be there. He glanced around. It was morning, sunlight filtering through the open window as he sat up in his bed, comforter piling in his lap. He stared, wondering why something felt off, trying and failing to recall what he’d dreamt about. He slowly crawled out of bed, thankful he didn’t have to go to school today as he looked at his clock. He’d slept in much longer than usual.

A delicious smell was wafting down the hallway. Hoping against hope, Toby peeked his head into the kitchen. Alcor was cooking, finishing the last of the bacon strips before sliding them onto a plate. Eggs, homemade waffles, sliced fruits, and syrup were already waiting on the table. Alcor turned around and his eyes met Toby before the boy could hope to hide behind the frame. He anticipated the demon to yell at him for waking up so late and wasting his morning looking after him.

“Come on and eat.” There wasn’t any anger in his voice, no resentment. Toby blinked in surprise at the thin veil of fatherly affection in the tone.

“Okay,” he mumbled, stepping into the kitchen. Alcor narrowed his eyes.

“You did wash up first though, right?”

“Oh, um, no,” Toby admitted a bit sheepishly, “I just smelled the food a-and thought maybe…” Maybe I’d see you preparing it for me.

Alcor might have read his thoughts because a second later he was saying, “Well, I didn’t plan on making this much for myself but noticed you were still in bed and figured you’d like something too. Can’t have you starving to death, after all.” There was the aloofness but still none of the anger. Toby chuckled inwardly. “Well? Hurry up and wash your hands.” Toby snapped to it, dashing to the bathroom to wash his hands. He entered the immaculate room. Soap, water, towel, done! He dried his hands, glancing ever so briefly at his reflection. For a flicker of a second, an inexplicable loathing formed for allowing himself to follow the orders of such a soft-hearted, naïve, human-minded dream demon who couldn’t tell just how close his enemies were—

But the rage was interrupted by a flashing scene of a dark being hovering in an alleyway, his hand outstretched, a disgruntled snarl on his face, worry-filled eyes looking down at him, an offer of shelter spoken. And the foreign emotion instantly dissipated, forgotten, remaining as not even a memory as Toby smiled and hurried to join Alcor for breakfast.